One Month

I was thinking about Little Debbie tonight and particularly missing her. I miss her being at my feet. I miss her following me around the house. I miss her when the dogs come in from the back yard and there are only two there, not three. I miss laying on the bed with her and petting her and rubbing her long nose and her little belly. I miss her jumping up and putting her front paws on my lap and quietly pawing at me to pet her when I'm sitting here at the computer.

I hadn't opened the box with her ashes in it yet. I'd really been saving it till this spring when I can spread them in my iris garden. But I decided to open it and sat down with the box and spent a few minutes remembering her.

I opened the envelope with the crematory order and the rainbow bridge poem in it and read through everything again that I had already read. I haven't really been keeping track of the time... When I looked at the cremation certificate, it said December 15th. I guess I was thinking about her so much and missing her so much because I somehow knew that it had been a month.

It seems like longer for some reason. I've never had to let a pet go that had not been with me for many, many years. I had her such a short time-just two. She was so happy and joyful and playful. Such a sweet little girl. And she loved me so much.

BREAKTHROUGH!

This is so very amazing! I just spent 45 minutes brushing Duncan! Seriously!

If you remember, Duncan absolutely HATES being brushed. He jumps away from the brush, snaps at the brush (air bites) and sometimes snaps at me too. It's a terrible struggle, and he just has not let me do it. The last time he was at the groomers was absolutely horrible. (Sorry Brenda!) His undercoat is getting terrible and he looked like a raggamuffin. So awhile back I asked my Vet about a mild sedative to try and see if that would help with brushing him and for during thunderstorms. I tried it last night and it seemed to have little to no impact on him. He was still up and moving around the house like normal after two hours. I didn't even try brushing him. So I talked to my Vet today when I picked up Debbie's ashes I asked him about this and he told me I could double the dosage and try that.

So I gave him the double dose tonight and it still did not seem to have any more impact. But I decided to try anyway. I leashed Duncan and took him in the bedroom and shut the door so it was nice and quiet for us. I took his brush and a bag of soft dog treats. We sat down on the bed together and I started out just giving him a few treats, which he loved. Then I started brushing.
I kept to his head and ears and under his chin at first because if I ever go straight for his body he flips out. It was horrible as usual at first. He snapped at and bit the brush several times and even jumped at me and snapped the air too. I firmly, but quietly told him No, each time and took a few deep breaths and continued. Once he let me do a few strokes without reacting at all I gave him some small bits of the treats. That got his attention. So I filled my left hand with a bunch of small bits and gave him one for every few strokes that he remained calm. We kept doing this for a few minutes and then I started to move on to his neck, and eventually his back. I kept refilling my left hand and he kept taking the treats as I brushed his back, getting all that nasty undercoat that was peaking through out. He even let me move down to rear-end! He's usually so sensitive about anyone touching him anywhere near his hind-quarters, but as long as I gave him bits of the treats every few strokes or so he remained completely calm and let me brust him. By the time I decided to stop he was half way in my lap licking my left hand for the treats and I had a pile of Sheltie fuzz sitting next to me! He looked so much better already, with his reddish coat showing nicely instead of messy undercoat.

I did not try to work on his skirt at all, or on his belly. I want to make sure he remains calm for the easy part and that he has a good experience before I move on to the hard parts. Those will be more scary and more difficult for him to allow me to do.

I'm not sure how much affect the sedative had or did not have on him. I think I'll go back to just the regular dosage and try this again in a day or two and see how that goes. If that continues to go well, I'll work on weaning him off the sedative at all and see if he can handle it with just the yummy treats. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky enough to get him to actually enjoy being brushed. But for now, we had a very positive experience that I can hopefully build on. I am so excited!

Debbie's Smile

I was looking through pictures tonight at found this old one that Barbra must have taken at Petco one Saturday. It was Duncan's "birthday." I'd had Debbie for about 6 months at this point. She's so cute and pretty sitting in my lap with that great big smile. Happy to be close to her Momma.

Vote!

Ok, everyone vote for Debbie for the Sheltie of the Month Contest! She deserves it!!! http://kcsheltierescue.org/Photo_Gallery/displayimage.php?album=5&pos=21

Thank You!

Thank you everyone so much for all the cards and posts and comments. It definitely helps me to be able to talk about Debbie with you all and to get your well wishes and thoughts. I really appreciate everyone sharing with me in this.

It's still really strange not having her around here. When I let the dogs in the house from the back yard I look for her, expecting her to be trailing in behind the others. It's strange to leave for work in the morning and not having her bark at me as I go out the front door telling me she wants me to stay. And strange when I come home at night not to have her dance and prance around me until I let her jump up to lean on my leg while I kiss her hello. It's strange to watch TV without her either snuggled down on the couch or putting her front paws on the arm of my chair to get me to pet her. I feel like I'm missing a step when I feed the dogs in the morning and when I put them to bed at night. It still feels very unreal.

I'm expecting the phone call from my Vet any day now to tell me her cremains have come back from Rolling Acres and are ready for me to pick up. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do with her ashes. For Duncan, I would spread his ashes at the park we walk at. He just loves walking at the park and it would be a very appropriate place for me to take him at the end. But I'm not sure that would be right for Debbie. She just loved being with me. (You can only say that about a dog and not sound conceited.) I could spread her ashes here at home in the back yard, but I plan to move into a bigger house within the next few years, so I'm not sure that feels right either. On the other hand, I don't feel like I personally need to have her ashes sitting on the mantle in an urn. I've never had this problem before. I've always known exactly where my pets' final resting places should be.

Anyway, thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers. They truly help me.

Letting Debbie Go

If you are just reading this, make sure you read the next post down before this one. I just couldn't write it out all at one time.

So we took Debbie inside and explained to the Vet what had been going on. She was so weak she didn't even struggle when the Vet examined her. He first said she would need to be hospitalized on fluids for the weekend while they ran blood tests etc. I hated the thought of leaving her there. Then they asked if we wanted to wait while they did the blood test and I of course said I did. While we were waiting for the results Debbie got sick again, vomiting even more blood this time.

At this point I was pretty sure what it was and really would have been surprised if he had come back and said something different than Kidney Failure. But that didn't stop the sting of tears in my eyes or the tightening of my throat. He offered to try getting her on fluids, but had also said that some of her measurements of the toxins in her system were off the charts and that we would of course not cure it. Basically her kidneys were already too damaged to be able to do much at all. I tried to ask him some questions, but really coudln't get much out through my tears. I think I did get something about about what would make this happen in a dog so young? I mean, with my cat Charlotte, he was 19 years old and it was just a matter of time before something gave out in his little body. It wasn't really a surprise when it was his kidneys. But Debbie is only 5! The Vet didn't really have an answer to that for me at all.

I asked him to give us a few minutes and tried to keep the sobbs from escaping my throat before he left the room. Not out of shame. More out of a desire for privacy. He barely got the door closed before I turned to Leighton and started sobbing. Debbie lay weakly on the table without moving. There really wasn't anything to discuss, I just needed a few moments to loose it, and then pull myself back together so I could say goodbye. I leaned over her and wraped my arms around her the best I could and kissed her. I told her I was so sorry, that it wasn't enough time, and that I loved her so much. I snuggled her, petted her, kissed her and held her for a few moments that seemed too short. But she was still hurting and I didn't want that to keep going. So I opened the door and told the Vet we were ready to let her go.

I held her little head in my hands as she went, looking into her eyes, rubbing her little face and nose (she loved to have her nose rubbed) and kissing her. Her head went gently slack in my hand and I lowered it slowly to the table. I waited for the vet to check her pulse without moving from her head. I barely heard him saying the usual "Best thing for you to do for her," and something about staying with her as long as we like, before he left the room. Then I wrapped my arms around her again and sobbed.

I feel so bad because in hind-sight I can see what some of the signs were over the last month, but they happened so gradually I either didn't notice at the time or didn't put the pieces together. I feel like if I had taken her to the Vet even just a week earlier we could have caught it before so much damage had been done to her kidneys that she could have had some more quality time with fluids and stuff. It would have been nice to have that warning and some more time to prepare and say goodbye. I know I couldn't have saved her and would have had to let go eventually anyway, but I feel like I failed her somewhat by not realizing sooner that it was so bad and getting her some help and more time. She just went from sick to deathly ill overnight Friday night.

So there it is. That's what happened to my sweet Little Debbie. Rolling Acres is picking her up and she'll be cremated. My Vet will get the ashes back next week and will call me. I think when I pick them up I'll see if my regular Vet can tell me anything about why this would happen in a dog so young as Debbie.

Sick to Deathly Ill

As promised, here's what happened with my poor Little Debbie. Last month as previously mentioned, I took Debbie to the Vet because she was limping inexplicably. After weighing her he did mention that she had lost some weight, however he did think it was a healthy amount. He did say she shouldn't loose any more. He also gave her some ear medication as she had another yeast infection in her ears. Poor Debbie hated that stuff. When I would get ready to give it to her she would sit on the bed trembling. Her ears must have been pretty sensitive. But she sat there and let me do it like the good girl that she was, and then enjoyed me rubbing the ointment in after I had squeezed some into each ear. She got some diarrhea after I had given her the medication for a few days, and I figured it might be because of how it upset her or something because when I backed off giving her the medication every day, to every other day it went away.

Then, earlier this week I noticed Debbie was eating less and less of her kibble. I also noticed she seemed to have lost more weight again. On Thursday and Friday she didn't want any of her kibble, so I gave her some canned food and she at that right up. Yumm. I have Monday off this week and since she was still eating I figured I would take her to the Vet on Monday. She was definitely acting like she didn't feel very well. Not her usual peppy, play full and bouncy self. But since she was eating and drinking I was not too worried. Just a little. I should have been more.

On Saturday morning, even when we first got up in the morning she didn't seem too bad. I took the dogs out to potty and she was about the same. But after we came back in Debbie thew up the canned food I had given her the night before. And then she just started getting sick, over and over and over again. She hadn't been vomiting at all before this. She stood in the yard in a daze. Leighton had to carry her back in the house. She went to her kennel and laid down. She slowly rolled over on her side and just lay there, weakened from vomiting. She was obviously not going to wait till Monday and I had to take her to the emergency vet now.

I got her out of the kennel (had to pull her out she was so weak) and wrapped her in a towel because it was still pretty cold outside. As we got in the truck and I held her weak little body in my arms I started to get scared. Up till then I still thought she would be back to her bouncy happy self in a few days wanting me to play with her again. I held her in my arms all the way to the Vet's barely keeping myself from sobbing, wiping the tears on the towel around her.

When we got to the emergency Vet's I realized what time it was. It was only a little after 11:30 in the morning and they didn't open until noon. But my regular Vet is closed on Saturday so there was nothing we could do but wait. While we did, Debbie started getting sick and I got out of the truck with her. What she threw up had blood in it this time. I couldn't understand how she had gotten so bad, so incredibly fast. The Vet finally showed up at 2 after 12:00 and we took her inside.

I'll write some more a little later...

A Parting Prayer

A friend sent this to me tonight. I didn't think I had any more tears left to cry tonight...

Dear Lord, please open your gates
and call St. Francis
to come escort this beloved companion
across the Rainbow Bridge.
Assign her to a place of honor,
for she has been a faithful servant
and has always done her best to please me.
Bless the hands that send her to you,
for they are doing so in love and compassion,
freeing her from pain and suffering.
Grant me the strength not to dwell on my loss.
Help me remember the details of her life
with the love she has shown me.
And grant me the courage to honor her
by sharing those memories with others.
Let her remember me as well
and let her know that I will always love her.
And when it's my time to pass over into your paradise,
please allow her to accompany those
who will bring me home.
Thank you, Lord,
for the gift of her companionship
and for the time we've had together.
and thank you, Lord,
for granting me the strength
to give her to you now.
Amen.

written & copyrighted: Brandy Duckworth, 1998

Little Debbie Loss

Sad news to report tonight. I had to put my sweet Little Debbie to sleep this morning. It was Kidney Failure. I think I'm still in a bit of shock. She was only 5 and it all happened so fast. I'll add a post hopefully tomorrow with everything that happened. I just can't get myself to type it all out right now. I just can't believe it. It's not fair. The two and a half years I had her just wasn't long enough.

Lucy Blue

Just finished reading this book by Janice Mitchell. I wish I had this book when I first got Duncan. I love it because it is just so similar to Duncan and my story. Janice was just as inexperienced in rehabilitating mill dogs as I was (and am) when I got Duncan. She had to learn as she went just like I did with Duncan.

Lucy Blue was much worse than Duncan was when I got him if you can believe that. She actually reminds me of little Micah that we have with Kansas City Sheltie Rescue. Micah was completely shut down when he first came to rescue. He could not handle the world around him and was completely withdrawn into himself to escape from it. Sounds like Lucy was very similar to this. She was so bad that the folks at Second Chance Sheltie Rescue (out of St. Louis Missouri) were afraid they would have to put her down. That resonates with me too since Duncan's breeder took him to the Vet to be put down when they were done breeding him. Fortunately for me that Vet asked if he could give my Dunkie to a rescue group.

So little Lucy Blue was worse off than where Duncan started out at and she went on to do Rally Obedience and became a Certified Therapy Dog! Just amazing! I would love to be able to do that with Duncan, but he is still so touch sensitive that I wouldn't trust him yet.

Anyway, I definitely recommend this book! You can order it at Second Chance Sheltie Rescue's website.