Letting Debbie Go

If you are just reading this, make sure you read the next post down before this one. I just couldn't write it out all at one time.

So we took Debbie inside and explained to the Vet what had been going on. She was so weak she didn't even struggle when the Vet examined her. He first said she would need to be hospitalized on fluids for the weekend while they ran blood tests etc. I hated the thought of leaving her there. Then they asked if we wanted to wait while they did the blood test and I of course said I did. While we were waiting for the results Debbie got sick again, vomiting even more blood this time.

At this point I was pretty sure what it was and really would have been surprised if he had come back and said something different than Kidney Failure. But that didn't stop the sting of tears in my eyes or the tightening of my throat. He offered to try getting her on fluids, but had also said that some of her measurements of the toxins in her system were off the charts and that we would of course not cure it. Basically her kidneys were already too damaged to be able to do much at all. I tried to ask him some questions, but really coudln't get much out through my tears. I think I did get something about about what would make this happen in a dog so young? I mean, with my cat Charlotte, he was 19 years old and it was just a matter of time before something gave out in his little body. It wasn't really a surprise when it was his kidneys. But Debbie is only 5! The Vet didn't really have an answer to that for me at all.

I asked him to give us a few minutes and tried to keep the sobbs from escaping my throat before he left the room. Not out of shame. More out of a desire for privacy. He barely got the door closed before I turned to Leighton and started sobbing. Debbie lay weakly on the table without moving. There really wasn't anything to discuss, I just needed a few moments to loose it, and then pull myself back together so I could say goodbye. I leaned over her and wraped my arms around her the best I could and kissed her. I told her I was so sorry, that it wasn't enough time, and that I loved her so much. I snuggled her, petted her, kissed her and held her for a few moments that seemed too short. But she was still hurting and I didn't want that to keep going. So I opened the door and told the Vet we were ready to let her go.

I held her little head in my hands as she went, looking into her eyes, rubbing her little face and nose (she loved to have her nose rubbed) and kissing her. Her head went gently slack in my hand and I lowered it slowly to the table. I waited for the vet to check her pulse without moving from her head. I barely heard him saying the usual "Best thing for you to do for her," and something about staying with her as long as we like, before he left the room. Then I wrapped my arms around her again and sobbed.

I feel so bad because in hind-sight I can see what some of the signs were over the last month, but they happened so gradually I either didn't notice at the time or didn't put the pieces together. I feel like if I had taken her to the Vet even just a week earlier we could have caught it before so much damage had been done to her kidneys that she could have had some more quality time with fluids and stuff. It would have been nice to have that warning and some more time to prepare and say goodbye. I know I couldn't have saved her and would have had to let go eventually anyway, but I feel like I failed her somewhat by not realizing sooner that it was so bad and getting her some help and more time. She just went from sick to deathly ill overnight Friday night.

So there it is. That's what happened to my sweet Little Debbie. Rolling Acres is picking her up and she'll be cremated. My Vet will get the ashes back next week and will call me. I think when I pick them up I'll see if my regular Vet can tell me anything about why this would happen in a dog so young as Debbie.